when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
