Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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