Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
