Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
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