the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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