Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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