i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize