fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
