it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
