He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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