Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
