I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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