Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
