I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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