note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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