i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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