It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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