dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
