i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
