I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
