Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
