He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
