You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
