The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
