god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
