I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize