To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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