I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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