guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
