First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
