This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
