i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
