Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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