My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
