Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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