Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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