My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The best revenge is premature balding
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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