woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
