you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
