You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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