seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
