Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
