There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
