I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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