got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You made out with two different species that night
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
