And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
