someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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