is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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