So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My vagina is officially offended.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
