Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
