did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
