I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
