I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize