i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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