I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
