How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
