Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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