You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Gay?
German.
Pity.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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