I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
