Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
