Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
