Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
