Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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