well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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