you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
