If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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