when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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