So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
