if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
