If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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