The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
