I think i sorta joined a cult last night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
