Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
