don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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