Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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