i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize